


baby steps

by nerdytardis



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Ben Hanscom is a Good Friend, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Families of Choice, Family Dynamics, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23599045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdytardis/pseuds/nerdytardis
Summary: “Do you ever think about kids?”“Do I think about them in general, or...us having kids?”Mike finally turned back to him.  “Yeah.  Us starting a family.”
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	baby steps

**Author's Note:**

> self indulgent fanfic = self care, right ?
> 
> the "past abuse" tag is there just because bill briefly mentions how his parents abandoned him after georgie died but that's it. this fic is like 95% fluff  
> anyway, sorry for the inevitable typos! and thanks for reading!!

This was a perfect afternoon.

It was cool in the shade of the back porch, but the breeze playing with Bill’s hair carried the heat of the beach up to them. Bill was shamelessly taking up most of the bench swing, but left just enough room for Mike to sit on the end. He had his toes tucked up under Mike’s thigh.

They were both catching up on their reading. The quiet was only broken when one of them shared an interesting passage with the other. Mike was reading this year’s National Book Award winner, while Bill had the first book in a new fantasy series that Ben recommended. 

Once they had finished their books, they would swap. Then they’d talk about them before they started two more. It was a well-worn routine, familiar as the smell of their favorite cafe and the sight of Mike’s handwritten notes on one of Bill’s new manuscripts. 

Patty thought the book-trading tradition was romantic. She apparently used it as leverage to convince Stan to finally join her neighborhood book club. 

Richie was less complimentary. He liked to call them “old farts” but that was mostly because it would send the kids, his favorite audience, into a fit of giggles.

Relaxing with his husband would have already been so, so good, but this afternoon was _perfect._ Mike was the love of his life, but he also wasn’t the only one. Bill had gotten very lucky on that front.

He looked up from his book and glanced across the beach. 

Stan and Patty were sitting in their matching beach chairs, casually holding hands, enjoying the sun, and watching their daughter Karen slowly bury Richie in sand. She still had awhile to go, but she also showed no signs of stopping.

The Uris’s younger son, Levi, was building a sand castle with Ben and Bev’s daughter Rosie. Ben was happily letting himself get directed around by the two of them, digging trenches and making mud-spatter turrets wherever they were needed. 

Bev was napping in the shade of her umbrella. She was already starting to show, though they still had quite a while to go before the most recent addition to their family arrived.

Eddie had gone inside to make sure Jack was taking his nap. He hadn’t been sleeping very well recently, and while Richie liked to say it made for great source material, everyone knew he was just deflecting from the fact that he hadn’t gotten more than three solid hours of sleep all week. 

It was part of the reason they had all gotten together this weekend. Richie and Eddie needed a break, Bev wanted some beach time before she really started to get big, and the rest just wanted to be here. 

Everyone had their own houses and apartments, but those were scattered across the country. This was the one place that was all of theirs. They all had a set of keys and a room that was theirs. 

It had been Ben’s house originally. 

The building had always baffled anyone who visited it, especially his colleagues who knew a thing or two about design. The place had too many extra rooms and far too much space for one person. Loneliness clung to it like frost on a windowpane, but he still never sold. 

“I thought about getting rid of it a few times,” Ben once said, as they sat around a fire on the beach, “But something always kept me from going through with it.”

Once the rest of the Losers showed up, the house seemed to shake off its strange cobwebs. All the extra room suddenly made sense. 

That didn’t stop them from running out of room once they started having kids. Before Ben put on the addition, the house had felt like it might burst at the seams. It was a good feeling. 

Bill had never found another place so full of love. It hung into the air and soaked into the hardwood. He could feel it as soon as he stepped out of his car, wafting towards him on the ocean breeze. 

It was what made this a _perfect_ afternoon.

Bill flexed his toes a little. 

Mike jumped and Bill cackled. Mike smacked Bill’s knees with his book, but he was still smiling too. 

“That’s not very nice.”

“Sorry.” Bill gave him a sweet smile, and tucked back into his reading. Or tried to. He glanced back up to catch Mike’s grin one more time. 

They both laughed and finally settled back into their books. Bill really liked his and he was cruising through the chapters when Mike cleared his throat. Bill paused mid-sentence, waiting to hear what Mike was going to say.

“Do you ever think about kids?”

Bill blinked. Shocked, he looked over the top of his book and found Mike staring ahead. Bill followed his gaze to the beach. 

Karen had finally gotten Richie’s torso covered. Richie, now just a head sticking out of human shaped sand pile, looked down at her handiwork and said something that made Karen fall down in giggles.

“Finish the job K!” Stan shouted over at them, loud enough that Bill could hear, “Bury him!”

Patty playfully smacked at Stan’s arm, as the kids ganged up and started draping seaweed across Richie’s head. 

Bill looked back to Mike and found him still watched the scene on the beach. 

“Do I think about them in general, or,” Bill swallowed, “like, us having kids?”

Mike finally turned back to him. “Yeah. About us starting a family.”

Bill was momentarily struck silent by the enormity of the idea.

“I guess I—” He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about it, but that was only in the grey hours when it was okay to look at the thoughts you couldn’t normally go near; when he could run over the memory of his husband holding his newborn niece and all the overwhelming things it had made him feel.

Mike noticed Bill’s hesitation and hastily put his book down. “Sorry, that was really out of nowhere.” He let out a shaky chuckle. “I maybe should have thrown a warning out there first.”

Bill smiled a little and tried to calm the storm in his head. He leaned up and wrapped his arms around his knees so he was closer to Mike. “Something like that would have been nice.”

Mike sort of turned and leaned forward enough to press his forehead into Bill’s shoulder, “Sorry.”

Bill closed his eyes, “It’s okay.”

It was not a comfortable position, so Mike leaned back fairly quickly. “We can talk about it another time, if you want…”

“Or?”

“Or,” Mike tilted his head a little, “Now that we’re already here...”

Bill didn’t really want to, but Mike was looking at him with soft eyes and an expectant smile. Anxiety started to trickle down his neck. 

A part of him knew this day was going to happen. Mike had been doting over kids since he was barely more than one himself. 

“I’m getting the feeling that you’ve thought about this a lot.” Bill said.

Mike huffed a little and looked back towards the beach for a second. “I guess I have.” He shrugged and looked back to Bill. “Now that everyone has gotten there.”

“Everyone except for us.”

Mike stared at him, his smile deflating a little in concern. It broke Bill’s heart. He ducked his head to hide from that look.

Mike made a soft noise and brought a hand to rub across Bill’s forearm. “Hey. This is a big decision. It’s okay to not have your mind made up. Or to not want kids, that’s okay too.”

The tear in Bill’s heart split open a little wider. 

Mike covered Bill’s hand with his, his thumb running over the back of Bill’s knuckles. 

Bill’s guilt got the better of him and he looked up. Mike’s eyes went soft again and Bill suddenly became terrified Mike was going to try and tell him that he’d be a great dad.

Luckily, that was the moment the screen door smacked opened. They both turned to see Eddie stepping out onto the porch. 

“How’s he doing?” Mike asked and Eddie chuckled tiredly, rubbing at his eyes. 

“Better.”

“That’s good.” Mike said, and Eddie smiled a bit. 

“You should go excavate Richie.” Bill said, glad that this was distracting them, “Karen managed to really bury him this time.”

They all looked across the beach; Eddie threw his head back and laughed. Richie was now getting a sand castle built on top of his chest. Stan had gotten up to help. 

“Yeah I better go save him.” Eddie started down the steps from the porch, “You guys coming?”

Bill glanced at Mike, who shrugged. Bill was still scared that they’d loop back around to their previous conversation, so he nodded and got up. 

They spent another couple hours down on the beach before it was time for dinner, which was the usual fiasco. There was little time for Bill and Mike to talk between Levi trying to sneak cookies and Ben breaking a wine glass and the drama of Patty changing up Eddie’s spaghetti recipe.

It was always a whirlwind, but it was a warm one; a happy, familiar thing that Bill wished he could wrap himself up in. 

The only difference tonight was that Bill was hyperaware of ever interaction Mike had with one of the kids. 

He got Karen to help him set the table, and he carried Levi and Rosie into the dining room together, both of them hanging off of him and squealing with delight. He kept on eye on Jack when Eddie and Richie fell asleep leaning against each other on the couch. And he was so good at all of it. 

Bill always knew Mike would be a great dad; it was in his wiring to take care of other people. Bill was less certain of his own ability, though he did know he’d try his hardest, and love whoever their kid was so damn much. He’d read them bedtime stories and hold them and take them to baseball games and—

“You okay Big Bill?” Bev tapped him on the shoulder as she stepped up to help him with dishes. 

“I’m fine.” Bill gave her a smile, but she just gave him a skeptical look, “I’ve got some stuff on my mind.”

“Want to share?” She offered.

“Not really.” Bill handed her a pot to dry. “How are you?”

She huffed, “I’m pregnant. Nothing is fine.”

“Want me to kick Ben’s ass?”

She laughed, “No. Not this time anyway.” She smirked at him, “I’m not sure you’d get very far anyway.”

Bill made an incredulous noise, “Hey!”

Bev shrugged, “What can I say, he’s jacked.”

“Who is?” They both turned to find Ben standing by the fridge with an empty beer in one hand. 

Bill and Bev made eye contact and broke into rolling laughter. 

The whole evening passed like that. Bill’s mind would fall back to that conversation on the porch; then he’d get distracted by his family for a while. Then he’d loop back to where he started. 

He didn’t find himself alone with his husband until everyone else had gone to bed. Bill had just flipped off the lights in the kitchen, when Mike came up behind him.

Bill hadn’t been expecting it, and his brain was so totally occupied that he jumped about a foot in the air when Mike touched him.

“Woah,” Mike stepped back, hands up, “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Bill brought a hand to his chest, “You just startled me.”

Mike shoulders were sagging and his eyes had a determined pierce to them. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Bill shrugged. 

“Are you sure?”

“ _Yeah._ ” Now was an even worse time to talk about this.

“You clearly aren’t.” Mike stepped closer.

“Fine.” Bill threw his hands up. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “I’m still thinking about this afternoon.”

Mike went quiet.

“Yeah."

“Bill—”

“You want kids. You can say it.”

Mike sighed and rubbed at his brow. “Yes. I’ve always imagined myself becoming a dad at some point.”

Guilt clawed at Bill’s throat. He grabbed the edge of the counter he was leaning against. 

“But the older I got, the more I came to terms with the fact that that was probably never going to happen.” Mike said, “And I already get to be an uncle, which came out of nowhere for me. I’m okay with us not having kids.”

“But it isn’t fair. You’ve already given up so much for us. For _me._ ” The edge of the granite countertop dug painfully into his palms, “You deserve—”

“No. Stop.” Mike stepped into his space, brought a hand to Bill’s face, “I chose my life and I chose this. I’m happy.”

Bill flinched down and stared at the tile between their feet.

“And I want you to be happy too. If you don’t want kids—”

“I didn’t say—that’s not—” Bill’s eye were hot. He tried to blink back the tears pushing through, but he was already losing his grip. He looked up, and Mike’s confused expression almost pushed him over the edge right then and there. “It’s not that I don’t want kids.”

Mike stared at him. Tears quietly ran down Bill’s cheeks.

“I just—” Bill could barely talk around the lump in his throat, “I don’t t-think I can. If anything—if anything happened t-to—” Bill brought both his hands to his face and tried to get the words out, “I can’t-t d-d-do it again—”

“ _Oh Bill_.” The words came out of Mike in one big gasp. He wrapped himself around Bill and held on tight as Bill’s sobs shook them both. Mike pressed his face into the top of Bill’s head and ran his hand across the span of Bill’s back.

It took Bill a minute to get his crying under control enough to speak up again. “Losing G-G-Georgie almost killed me. And all my best f-f-friends.” He pressed his face into Mike’s shoulder, “And what if anything h-happens t-to _you_? What if I become like them—If I put another k-kid through what I had t-t—”

“I know, I know.” Mike’s voice was wavering now, just a little, but his hold on Bill just grew tighter, steadier as Bill shuddered. He hadn’t cried like this in ages. Gasping for air and snotty and emptying yourself of everything.

Mike just held him, rocking them back and forth a little. It only made Bill’s grief yawn wider.

Any kid would be lucky to have Mike as a dad. But Bill was so goddamn scared and Mike was so goddamn loyal that it wasn’t going to happen. His fear was going to keep Mike from another dream. 

“Is everything okay?”

Sort of hiccupping as he tried to reel himself in, Bill peaked around Mike’s shoulder. Ben was standing at the edge of the kitchen. 

“Did we wake you?” Mike asked, making no move to let go of Bill.

Ben shook his head. “I came down for a glass of water for Bev.” He stepped into the kitchen proper, “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” Bill shook his head and rubbed at his disaster of a face, “Thank you.” He tried to smile at Ben.

Ben nodded, his eyes flashing between the two of them for a moment. Bill pressed his face back into Mike’s chest and pretended he wasn’t hiding. Mike started rubbing his back again.

Bill was still sniffling pretty badly as he listened to Ben pull a glass from the cupboard. The sink turned on. After a moment, Bill heard the clink of a glass being set on the counter behind him. 

He turned and looked at it, and then at Ben, who offered him a soft smile. 

“Thank you.” Bill said and managed a better smile this time even if the tears were threatening to start up again. 

“No problem.” Ben looked between them. He then quietly took his own glass of water and left.

The sound of the stairs echoed through the kitchen. Bill rested in Mike’s arms as he worked on catching his breath. 

“I don’t know what the future looks like.” Mike carefully started, “No one does. I can’t promise that nothing will ever happen to me, or you, or, God forbid, our kid. If—that is, if we—” Mike sighed.

“There is one thing I can promise.” Mike pulled back enough so that he could look Bill in the eyes, “No kid of ours will ever have to get through anything alone.”

An ocean breeze fluttered a nearby curtain. The house, and all its love, seemed to breathe around them. Bill felt like he might start crying again, but nothing came.

Mike was right and Bill knew it. He understood exactly what Mike was saying. But his brain couldn’t seem to accept that. 

Mike was quiet. Then: “Have you talked to your therapist about this?”

Bill blinked. “No.” He looked back to Mike. “That’s uh. That’s a good idea.”

“I also wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie felt, not the same things, but—I think he would get it. If you wanted to talk to him too.”

Bill nodded a little. These were actionable plans, directions. He liked those. 

“Bill.”

He refocused on Mike, whose eyebrows were drawn together.

“I don’t want to force you into anything. I’m not trying to push you into a place where you feel okay with this.”

Bill shook his head. “I want to try to do this.” Bill smiled a little and felt his words settle in him. “I want to start a family with you.”

Mike smiled, slow and wide, as too many emotions vied for attention on his face. 

“I just need time.” Bill said quickly.

“Yes, of course.” Mike nodded, “We’ll take it slow. One step at a time.”

Bill’s heart swelled with feeling. He was dizzy with it. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

“God I love you too.” Bill rose up on his toes and kissed Mike. Mike brought one of his hands to Bill’s neck and started running his thumb over Bill’s stubbly jaw. 

“And.” Mike pulled back a little, but kept gently running his thumb over Bill’s skin, “Next time you start thinking that you’re getting in my way or holding me back, I want you to remember this: I lived alone in a drafty apartment in Derry for three decades, hoping that you guys would come back.” Mike’s eyes were shining, “And then you did. I got to see the world, and publish my book. I got to marry my best friend.”

If felt like every word was stoking the little fire in Bill’s heart. He pressed his fingers into Mike’s sides and blinked back the tears he thought he’d already cried himself dry of.

“This is already more than I ever wished for.” Mike leaned in and kissed him again, slower, deeper. The little fire in Bill’s heart started to roar. Mike pulled back and rested his forehead against Bill’s. “You are my dream.” 

The fire had swallowed up all the air in Bill’s lungs. He breathed Mike’s instead.

+

+

+

“Hi.”

“Hello.” Bill smiled at the young woman behind the microphone in the left aisle and she turned an even brighter shade of red.

“My question, is, uh,” She clutched her worn paperback of _The Attic Room_ closer to her chest, “Well, I was wondering if your perspective on horror has changed since you had kids?”

Bill breathed out a little and sat back in his chair. “That’s a good question.” He took a moment to collect his thoughts; then he brought his microphone back up. “I think my perspective on everything changed.”

The moderator, Kevin, spoke up. “Yeah, I can’t think of anything that doesn’t go a little sideways once you throw a kid into the mix.”

Bill smirked across the stage at him. “My daughter has recently discovered that she can use the voice control on our TV to watch anything she can think of. She kept buying movies with our account, so we had to hide the remote. It now lives on the very top shelf.”

Laughter rippled through the room and Bill smiled.

“I think the biggest thing though, especially in regards to my work, is that I don’t think about fear the same way. If that makes sense?” He looked to the woman who asked the question and she nodded. It also looked like she’d relaxed a little and Bill was glad of that. 

“Kids are incredible because they’re still learning about _everything_. Seeing a chicken for the first time can make their whole day. You forget, I think, as you grow up, how cool it is for everything to be brand new. And you also forget how scary that is.

“My family, and my kids, have really reminded me that fear is tied to love. We love to be alive, and we love to fall in love, and to see something new. We get scared because we think we might lose that, or lose someone important. 

“So yeah, I think my perspective has changed. My books aren’t about horror so much anymore as they are about love being put through something really remarkable and still coming out the other side. I’ve lost all my patience for horror that doesn’t remember to include the love.” Bill looked back to the question asker, “Does that answer your question? I got a little sidetracked there.”

The woman pressed a hand into her chest and nodded a bunch of times. She thanked him and waved again and started to move back to her seat. 

“When do you think you’ll let the kiddos read one of your books?” Kevin spoke up again to fill the time. 

“Oh boy, I don’t know.” Bill said, “I’m going to worry about that once they get a little older.”

“Fair.”

“I’ve got other stuff to deal with before we get to that conversation.”

Kevin laughed. 

“I am also—well,” Bill titled his head around, trying to decide if he should say what he was going to, “I’m not sure my agent is going to love this coming up now, but I am working on a new project for my kids.” Someone a few rows from the front gasped and Bill laughed. 

“It’s not anything too exciting but it is definitely a real change of pace.”

“Can you give us any details at all?” Kevin grinned at him; dared him to spill the beans. 

“I am working on it with my husband.”

An excited murmur went out through the crowd now.

“Now you two haven’t collaborated in a few years, what’s it like getting back into that? Is it hard to work with someone you already spend so much time with?”

“I’m going to say no.”

There was a bigger audience laugh this time. Bill grinned when he heard Richie’s cackle from the second row.

“How very democratic of you.”

“It’s true though.” Bill said, “We’ve known each other for so long, that we just, understand how the other thinks. It’s easy to work together when you can anticipate what the other person’s going to do.” Bill smirked, “He’s also a way better at research than me. Every time we work on something together, or even when we’re trying to find the nearest pizza place, he always makes me look good.”

Someone (Richie) whistled and Bill rolled his eyes.

“Well I cannot wait to see what you two come up with next.” Kevin turned, pointing down to the other aisle, “Let’s get another audience question.”

**Author's Note:**

> they end up having two kids, a daughter they adopt as a baby, and a son that they adopt when he's 9. mike writes this really tender memoir about their family, and he wins a bunch of awards for it. it's literally the highlight of his literary career :)


End file.
